If you’re wondering where I’ve been all this week, I can answer that question in just three words: Mario Kart Wii. I’m told that another big video game was released this week and that everyone and their dog is playing it, but for the life of me I can’t figure out what it is. For me there are only mini turbo-boosts, banana peels and mushroom cups. My ghosts are setting records, I’m unlocking karts and not getting the sleep I need.

If all of this makes absolutely no sense to you, then count yourself lucky you’re not caught in the vice-like, addictive grip that is Nintendo’s latest creation. But for the rest of you, you know exactly what I’m talking about and you’re in luck. I’m going to share just a few of the pearls of wisdom I’ve gleaned from my brief, but remarkable stint on the Mario Kart racing circuit:

Don’t use the wheel

– You can get much greater steering control, as well as deploy and control weapons better using the Wiimote and nunchuck controller combo.

Start regional

– Nothing is as demoralizing as starting a world-wide race and seeing 5 players pop up whose names are Japanese and who have virtual rankings somewhere in the 8000 level. Race the home front to start.

Bananas are good for you!

– Drag them behind you to block incoming shells and keep players from bumping you from behind.

Tricks, tricks, tricks

– Flick the wheel or Wiimote whenever you go over a jump and you’ll do a trick and gain a mini-boost when you land. It really helps to keep you ahead of the pack.

And if you want to put these tips to the test in a little old 1 on 1, then my Mario Kart friend code is: 0216-1192-5921, I hope to see you on the Jungle Parkway soon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have just enough time to get in a 50cc race before I head off to work. Bye!